(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
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Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
6: are snakes just neck?
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Does your wife know you’re single?
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.