Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
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“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.