Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now