waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
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My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.