Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
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windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.