construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
You Might Also Like
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Trying
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.