My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
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Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I only eat vegetarians.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”