[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
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Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”