I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
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ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”