“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
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Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one