I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
You Might Also Like
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Oops
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
yeet
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Perfect
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen