Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
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John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.