My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
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The Sun’s probably Asian.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Bread puns are on the rise!
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.