Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
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Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today