*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
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Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Cause of death: Zumba
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.