If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
You Might Also Like
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies