C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
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Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Every house has this drawer
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…