Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
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I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants