What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Beauty and the Beast
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.