Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
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Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
there has never been a better use of this meme
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies