One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
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What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Is anyone gonna tell them?
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.