I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
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Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question