i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
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I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”