INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
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Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I could NOT have put it better myself.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂