i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
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ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her