Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
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This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt