[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
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Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.