My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
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Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.