I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
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My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????