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When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.