This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
You Might Also Like
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
my fav colour is also hitler
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
How do horror writers compete with current events?
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time