I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
You Might Also Like
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”