I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
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Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
My plans: 2020:
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*