me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
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“i miss shittin on people”
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face