Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
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Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.