Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
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If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
😂🤣😂🤣
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Owl Sanctuary
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]