[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
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I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge: