Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
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Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.