Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
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A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”