Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
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Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.