I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
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If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person