[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
You Might Also Like
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.