Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
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[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”