If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
You Might Also Like
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark