Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
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I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
who will stop them
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.