just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
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me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like