me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
You Might Also Like
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Mornin
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”