I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
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11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”