[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
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if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never