Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
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People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin